On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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