She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
