I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
