Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Text me some of your sweat
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