I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
