I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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