Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
