Capitaan dildo arrescate!
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
