Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I need to stop coming to work sober
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
