On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
