Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
