Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
