I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
