if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
