I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
