idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
My sheets look like a crime scene.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
