fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
