Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
