Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
