My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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