Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
