My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
