worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
