When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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