The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
