I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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