WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
