I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
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