the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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