he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My cat gives me a boner
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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