Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
