I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
