You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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