Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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