fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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