so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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