I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
