Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Randomize
