just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
