I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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