He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
