I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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