if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
