whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
