I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
