Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
