I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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