When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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