Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
