Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
