i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
