So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
